jayjfadd's blog

If I were making a movie about Wolverine, I would switch it up.  Instead of being born with a superhuman healing factor then unbreakable adamantium grafted onto his bones by the Canadian government (a process that would kill a normal person), I would make Wolverine have the hard bones naturally.  He gets drugs from the government that help him heal.  That makes him dependent on the gov and eventually he must face a reduction in superpowers to do the right thing, which is become a expatriate.  Of course, he would be from America, originally, then defect to Canada.  Keeping in line with the opposites, I guess I'd also have to make him a demure teetotaler.  Except, to keep things from being too boring, he would have visions that trigger his psychotic rampages, and then he can't remember them ... or can he?

Hey!  I'm glad the Florida Gators won the American Large College Football Title.  North Carolina's very own Appalachian State won the Small Title two years in a row, so that's like winning The Big One.  Unlike the Small Title, which is awarded to a team who wins in a playoff system, the Big Title is determined by pitting the two best teams against one another, a one-game playoff.

The reason I'm glad for the Gators is that all the sports pundits complained that the Title game should have been Michigan vs Ohio State.  That game would have sucked because

• those two teams played each other already this year, because they play each other every year
• because they are in the same conference (Big 10) and it's a National title, not a conference title (hello!)
  
• the people who are in charge of the one-game playoff idea, instead of a bracket are the Big 10 people, and since it's their fault we have a one-game system, they shouldn't be rewarded by having two of their teams in the Title game.
• huff huff huff
• everyone who complained was basically saying that Florida didn't have a chance
• sports are stupid
  

Well, both Big 10 schools, Michigan and El Ohio State lost badly in their bowl games, so the Big 10 can eat a sack of raw potatoes.  While I'm talking about Michigan, I'd like to point out that Wolverine is a loser.  He's nothing but a pawn for the government.  The Canadian government at that.  His bones aren't even real, he had them grafted on.

Lots of schools could use a new mascot  For instance, Gators ... that's a little gay, isn't it?  Florida should change their mascot to be The Tiggers.  They are native to Florida and don't take no guff from any hotshot toughguy jerks who look mentally challenged and have the world's biggest losers for parents.  One of the wonderful things about being Tigger for a living, besides all of the furry sexual action, is that you can get "suspended," but if your employer agrees that getting your mask tugged warrants a gloved swat or two, you can dress up like Donald Duck the next day and no one's the wiser.  I bet no one fucks with Donald.  Except Rosie and goddammit is it about time.  I love Rosie.  She's a freaking animal.  A poet, too.  Her poetry is like a Powerpoint presentation, minus all the ugly graphics and annoying transitions.

People who make it a point to use adverbs. Everyone is sick of people who mix up literally and figuratively.  David Cross has a routine about how someone once said to him, "I literally shit my pants," even though they didn't really shit their pants.  Although that's annoying, that's not what I mean.  I hate it when people say something like, "I literally cannot log in."  Like there's a way to figuratively log in.  Or people who say, "I got gas and coincidentally used my debit card."  How is that a coincidence?  People who talk like that are just trying to show how smart they are but they're just fucking assholes.

Fried sushi.  I don't really hate it, but it sure is idiotic and this list would really suck if it was only two items long.  The whole point of sushi is to experience fish in its natural flavor and texture.  And the low-fat thing is a welcome bonus.  Frying suhi makes the fish flaky, changes its flavor and doubles the calories.  Do they fry sushi where you're from, or is it only in North Carolina?

I saw an 8 inch snake slither away from Jasmine's food dish as I put her outside.  It had markings like a copperhead, and its head was diamond-shaped.  It was a copperhead.  Fucking copperheads.  It had gone between the patio and the house.  I poured Pine-Sol into that crack, in the hopes that the snake would smell the ammonia and get the message that this is People territory.

Sure enough, Snakey crawled out and I said, "Go away snake."  Intead of following my advice, he came right towards me with his head up.  I grabbed a can of spray paint and coated him with it.  He flipped over and I got his belly too.  That wasn't enough to kill him, but he was slower, and picking up debris because of the stickiness of the wet paint.

I picked up a plastic dustpan and put the edge of it at Snakey's neck then hit down on the handle with my fist.  I expected the head to be completely severed and then start flying around and bite me but looking down all I saw was a white plastic toy snake.  At least it had stopped moving.  I put it in a trashbag.

I have recently acquired a mysterious rash on my face and penis.  Even though she didn't see my dick (I wanted too much money), the pharmacist says it's poison ivy.  I say it's punishment from God for killing one of His creatures.  Goddamn snake!  I'd do it again.

Don't let snakes fool you.  They are more evolved than lizards.  They used to be lizards, but then they lost their legs so they could burrow underground and eat rabbits.  They have special eyeballs that aren't affected by dirt.  And covering them in spray paint doesn't bother them.  Snakes are smart, mean and will eat you if they can.

Even though snakes are vile creatures, it is only okay to kill them if they are poisonous and on your property, or if you would like to eat them.  But you really have to eat them, you can't just go to Wendy's and toss the snake carcass in through the drive-up window.  Any fast food employee can tell you that.

For Labor Day, instead of working, I went to the North Carolina Outer Banks, to a town called Corolla.  I didn't even need a Toyota to get in.  I needed a Jeep.  The water was up to knee-high in some places.  Flooding must not be too uncommon a the beach, all the houses were named like boats. The house my friends and I rented is officially called Scrapbook.  The owners might want to change it Crapbrook because it wasn't just the Currituck Sound that overflowed into the streets.  It was septic tanks, too - the Currituck Smell.  Actually, it didn't start to smell bad until Monday, when we left, but it sure was brown, and left stains on my legs.  The ocean itself was great - massive waves and mighty winds.  Our house had electricity, water and even a wireless internet connection, and the house across the street was empty and we got to use its pool and hot tub.  We were floating pretty.  Adios, Ernesto!

I wonder what a day in the life of someone who works at a lyric site is like.  Do the employees of Lyric Freak hate the jerks at lyrics.time for striking a more delicate balance between advertising and page clutter?  Do the folks at rare-lyrics.com really believe in their name?  It doesn't matter because there is no brand loyalty when it comes to lyric sites.  The words from the top Google link to the Tom Waits song that your barrista likes are the lyrics that are going on her blog.

I remember the good ol' days when song lyrics were broken up by musician on ugly unofficial fan sites.  Back then, kids had to sift through animated "Eruption" fire gifs and scanned-in charcoal portraits of Eddie Van Halen to crib the "Jump" lyrics for their tributes to Michael Jordan's first retirement.  Today, if parents want to find out if Gnarls Barkley is too subversive for their nine year old, they have to remember that recognizing Jessica Alba really isn't special enough to win a half-decent ringtone.  At least the lyrics scroll in time to the music.

How does GreenStijl embed cooper black font onto their web page?

They use a combination of Flash, javascript and CSS called sIFR.  I downloaded it and set it up in my lab.

It's pretty easy to do, except I hit a snag getting the new fonts to appear.  The sIFR package comes with some CSS and I had put that into the page.  When I took the styles out, everything worked.